


i could never look away

by txrdisblues



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: (assumed), Episode Fix-It: s02e13 Doomsday, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Romance, Telepathic Bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:49:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24851092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/txrdisblues/pseuds/txrdisblues
Summary: Rose survived Doomsday. This close call brings Rose and the Doctor only closer together.
Relationships: Tenth Doctor/Rose Tyler
Comments: 22
Kudos: 94





	1. Chapter 1

Rose Tyler’s knuckles grasped desperately to the lever in her hand. She’s outsmarted every challenge she’s ever faced, and this time would be no different, she told herself.

But her mind was filling with an overwhelming sense of dread. Over her shoulder, the Void pulled at her with all its might, a might almost stronger than hers. Every muscle in her body ached. Every fiber of her being was crying out in desperate pain. 

She turned back to look at the Doctor. He was so far away, she could barely make him out, but she saw the fear on his face and felt her own fear spill through her veins like poison. She could hardly breathe. 

The wind whipped against her, which was  _ not _ helping. With every passing second she felt more and more dread surrounding her. The white of the walls seemed to be growing dark and closing in. 

Her finger slipped.

“ _ Doctor! _ ” she cried out, but her mouth didn’t make a sound. She let out a shriek, silent. 

Her hands were ripped suddenly from the clamp, the pull of the Void too strong. 

“ _ Doctor! _ ” She seemed to fall in slow motion.

Very distantly, she heard, “Rose.”

There was a weight on her shoulder. She felt like she couldn't breathe deep enough.

“Rose.” Clearer now. 

It was like something was pulling her up, up…..

“Rose, you’re okay.”

Rose’s eyes flew open. Her heart pounded in her chest like a prisoner trying to break free of its cage. She gasped for air as her eyes flew around the room wildly.

She was in her room, on the TARDIS. She took another deep breath. She had been so scared, of losing the Doctor, and her life among the stars and…..

“You alright?”

She looked to her right.  _ The Doctor. _ Thank God. She tackled him in a hug as she willed her heart to stop hammering.

“Yeah, jus’ a bad dream.” She let out a low sigh. “It was about today, an’.... What else could have happened, if…”

“I know,” the Doctor said. He really did know -- he’d seen all the timelines twisting in that very moment, and if he wouldn’t have thought to tie her to the clamp…. He shivered. Looking at the timelines now scared him just as much as it did then, even though the danger had already passed. The thought of losing Rose was sickening, and the idea that it could have become a reality so easily was even worse. 

“I’m sorry,” she murmured, “I didn’t mean to wake you.” 

He pulled away a little to look at her. “I wasn’t really sleeping. It’s okay. Do you want to talk about it?”

She shrugged. Rose had a shy look on her face that the Doctor knew wasn’t usual. What had happened today (or rather, what could have happened) had really shaken her. It broke his hearts to see her like this. 

“I just…” she paused, “I can’t stop thinking ‘bout it. I close my eyes, and I can't keep my mind from drifting there and worrying, until I’m all worked up again.” She let out a heavy sigh. “It’s silly, I know, I know that it’s all okay now. But I can’t stop…” she shook her head. “I can’t get it out of my mind. I can’t sleep.”

The Doctor studied her for a moment. 

He knew exactly what would help, but he didn’t know if Rose would like it.

“I think the emotional centers of your brain need a break, hm? They were pushed to their limits today, and are now working themselves into overdrive trying to process everything, it’s why those memories keep resurfacing no matter how much you try to push them down.” He steeled himself. “I could, uhm, well, I could help, with that, if you wanted? I’d have to go into your mind of course, and I know how that makes you feel, so if that makes you uncomfortable, that’s okay.”

“Makes me uncomfortable?”

“Well, on our first adventure, the TARDIS was translating in your head for you and you said you didn’t like it,” he said, a bit confused. 

Rose let out a small laugh. “I just didn’t like that it all happened without my consent, Doctor. I’m thankful that I’ve got the old girl in my head.” She watched him for a moment. She made sure she locked eyes with him as she said, “I trust you,” and brought his hands up to her temples.

The Doctor knew he would never stop being amazed by Rose, but he still couldn’t help being…. well, amazed. That she trusted him like that was beyond words. 

“You’ll feel me at the edge of your mind,” he said. “Just let me in.”

Sure enough, Rose felt a tingle at the edge of her conscience, as if someone were knocking on a door only she knew about. She imagined the Doctor on the other side, and threw it open.

She could tell the moment he stepped into her thoughts.

_ Is this alright? _ he asked.

_ Yeah. _

Rose watched (or rather, felt) as he moved through her mind, looking around. The minute he found what he was looking for she knew, because all her unease and anxiety about the past day was suddenly abating behind a wave of reassurance and comfort. It was like crawling into bed and cuddling up beneath fluffy blankets after an exhausting day. She couldn’t help but bask for a moment in how good it felt.

Then, she realized something. If the Doctor could do this for her, surely she could do this for him, too. 

Rose observed him a bit more, then turned to go the way he’d come from, back to his mind. Since the connection between the two of them was already open, she stepped through, delicately as she could. She didn’t know exactly what she was doing, so she moved as lightly as possible.

She looked around just as he had, for anything that seemed…. Hurt. In pain. Today’s events weren’t that hard to spot, because they were at the forefront of his mind. She moved a little closer, and contemplated what to do for a moment before taking action. 

Rose focused hard on the pain she felt in him, and the fear, and drew it as close to her as she could. She wasn’t exactly sure how this worked, but she projected the same sort of reassurance and comfort that she had felt from him. She imagined that his thoughts were a big group of  _ something _ and she was drawing it in for a hug as tight as she could. 

Out of the corner of her eye, something else caught her attention. The fear of loss from today seemed to stem from something else, something bigger, like a weed that had found a place to grow in the crack in the sidewalk. She followed the thread to its source, to a memory she hadn’t been a part of. 

Suddenly, she was overwhelmed with grief and hurt like nothing she had ever seen. Scenes of people screaming and crying, and flames, and unbelievable pain, like nothing she had ever seen flashed before her. Surrounding it all was shame so powerful Rose felt like she was drowning.

And she knew exactly what this memory must be.

The Time War.

The one thing the Doctor never talked about. 

Finally, she really, really understood why. If it was this painful of a memory, she couldn’t blame him for pushing it away as far as it would go. 

His memories from today lead her here because he had already lost everything, and he couldn’t stand to lose her too. 

Her heart felt like it was about to shatter in her very chest. If she were still in the physical world, she would have had tears streaming down her face. She couldn’t imagine carrying this much sadness. She couldn’t believe the Doctor had so much contempt for himself.

Her Doctor, who had saved her life on numerous occasions. Her Doctor, who had given her some of the best days of her life. Who had shown her true joy and complete happiness. Who had given her the stars and the most wonderful things she had ever seen. Who would give everything to keep her safe. Who had accompanied her through some of the lowest and scariest parts of her life like there was no place he’d rather be.

Her favorite person in the universe.

There was the sorrow she felt from his memories, but on top of that there was the pain she felt for him. 

With all her might, Rose tried to gather up any pain or sadness or shame and draw it as close to her as possible. She was on her knees, giving as much love as she possibly could. She’d do anything to fix this for him. 

Rose felt the Doctor’s conscience startle.

_ Rose?  _ He sounded alarmed almost.

She’d been so lost in sympathy for the Doctor, she’d completely forgotten how far she’d wandered into his mind. With a hurried final burst of comfort, she retreated as fast as she could out and into the physical world. 

When she opened her eyes, she found the Doctor staring at her in disbelief.

“I’m so sorry Doctor, I know I got carried away, I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry.”

“No, Rose, it’s okay, I was just surprised. What were you up to?”

She bit her lip and looked away. ‘Well, you were helping me, and it felt so good, and I thought, surely I can do the same for you. So I went back the way you came, and found your memories of today, and I tried to heal it, but then there was…. Something else, attached to it, and it was so much deeper, and sadder, and I…. I knew what it was, the one thing you never talk about, and I just…” She could feel her throat closing up. 

“It’s okay.” The Doctor smiled softly at her. “You just what?”

She let out a shaky breath. “I just wanted to make it better.” Her voice wavered and cracked on the last syllable, her lip trembling. 

“I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t have ventured that deep, I know that’s private. I’m so sorry, Doctor. I just…” She remembered the pain and the grief and felt her heart breaking all over again. “I… I never knew…. I would do anything to make you feel better, Doctor, there’s so much you don’t know about yourself, about how good you are, I wish I could take some of that sadness from you.”

Finally, she ventured a glance back at him. His eyes were wide. She watched him for a moment, before --

He sat up abruptly, turning and swinging his legs over the edge of the bed so he was facing away from her.

_ Oh, no _ , she thought.  _ I should have known not to mention it, it’s his greatest insecurity and I’ve just gone wandering right through it like it’s nothing, dredging it all back up again.  _ She wished she could take it back. She couldn’t imagine how hard this was for him.

“Doctor?” she tried softly. Nothing.

Carefully, she sat up and scooted next to him, and waited a moment to see if he would move away. He didn’t.

She chanced a look at his face to see, was he angry? Was he scared? 

No, he was crying.

Rose had never seen the Doctor cry. 

_ Oh, god, I’ve really mucked it up. He tries to do one nice thing for me, and I go bringing up his trauma.  _ Scenes of the Doctor shying away from Rose amidst anything sensitive came rushing into her mind.  _ He’s gonna send me away _ , she thought.  _ There’s no way I can come back from this. _

“Doctor,” she took an uneven breath. “I’m so sorry. If I would have thought better for even a second, I wouldn’t have done that. I know how hard it is for you, and I never should have gone just traipsing through your mind. I’m so sorry.”

The Doctor said nothing for a moment, and scrubbed the palms of his hands into his eyes. Then, ever so subtly, he shook his head. 

_ What? _

“That’s not it,” he said, ever so quietly. 

“Then what is?”

The Doctor swallowed thickly. He thought of turning to look at Rose, but he didn’t know how he could meet her gaze. She had seen the whole of him, who he really was, and yet… 

He felt her place a hand on his back, and his breath shuddered in his lungs in reply. He didn’t deserve her. 

“I’m here for you, just take your time.”

At that, another cry built up in his chest, and he tried to swallow it back. He could feel his whole body shaking.

How could he tell her? How could he even begin to process that, after seeing his darkest, most terrible moments, she wanted nothing but to help him heal? To draw him closer? He couldn’t think of how he’d ever look her in the eyes again. She knew who was, now. Knew that he was a murderer. Knew all his deepest shame, and all the grief that he carried with him like clothes on his back. 

She  _ saw _ him. 

And somehow, she didn’t want to look away.

The Doctor drew in a shuddering breath. “I never…. Thought that anyone could see what I’ve done…. Who I  _ am… _ and want to get closer, not farther away.”

Rose’s mind took a second to catch up.

So, he wasn’t mad then.

The air whooshed out of her lungs.

“Doctor,  _ of course _ I do.” She scooted closer to him. “I made my choice that I am gonna stay with you, and that didn’t mean I wanted to spend my forever with someone I was going to get only  _ sort of _ close with.” 

She looked at him again, the man who had seen the rise and fall of civilizations, saved lives, felt the turn of the Earth and made time bend to his will. The man who lived the loneliest life in the universe. The man she’d do anything for, who she wanted to spend every day for the rest of her life with. The man who she….

Rose took a deep breath. She had to tell him. He had to know. After everything they had been through at Canary Wharf, and all they could have lost. 

“I… I know this isn’t really your thing, but… I love you, Doctor. And I mean it, because loving someone means loving every part of them, no matter what. How could I ever look at a part of you that’s wounded and resent you for it?” She took another breath to steady herself. “Loving you means I'm going to always try and help you get better. Always. When... when I said I wanted to stay with you forever, this is what I meant. I’m not about to let you be stuck with all this sadness if I can help shoulder some of it.”

The weight of her words hit the Doctor like a train and he couldn’t help himself from looking up immediately to watch her face.

_ Shit _ , Rose thought, that was way too much.  _ He’s gonna be so overwhelmed, and he doesn’t think of me like that, and -- _

The Doctor tackled her in a hug. 

She could tell that he was crying, and he was holding her so, so tight. 

Relief bloomed in her chest.

“Shh… you’re okay, Doctor, it’s okay. I’m here for you. It’s all gonna be okay.”

They sat like that for a while, clinging to each other. Rose rubbed the Doctor’s back while he tried to pull himself together, which was admittedly difficult. He was so overwhelmed by everything Rose had said and done in the past few minutes, and he didn’t deserve an ounce of it. But that didn’t mean that he didn’t think she was the best thing that ever happened to him. And that certainly didn’t mean he would ever let her go. 

Finally, the Doctor pulled away slowly, sitting up and turning his head away to wipe his eyes, more than a little ashamed of what a mess he was. But before he could stay that way for too long, Rose’s hand was on his shoulder, turning him back to face her. He looked at her shyly as she began to speak.

“If there’s ever something I can do to help you feel better, I want you to tell me.” Rose took his hand in hers, and he squeezed it. “If that means going into your mind every night to give you, I don't know, good vibes or whatever, I'll do it. I care about you, Doctor.” Despite her heart pounding a beat like a thunderstorm, she still gave him a gentle, reassuring smile. “We’re gonna get through this together, you ‘n me, no matter what.”

For perhaps the thousandth time that evening, the Doctor felt the air leave his lungs. He squeezed her hand again and closed what little space there was between them.

“Rose… I love you, too. I’m so sorry you didn’t know sooner.”

All she could hear was static. 

He  _ loved _ her. 

Their eyes met and they shared watery smiles, looking at each other through their eyelashes and blushing like there was fire in their cheeks.

Rose leaned in, just a little, and wasn’t mistaken if she thought the Doctor might have been leaning in too. He stopped just before her lips, as if waiting for a sign.

She squeezed his hands, as if to say, I want this too.

Delicately, with all the reverence of a man about to enter the gates of heaven, he kissed her. 

It was unlike any kiss Rose had ever had. Never had she felt so much love radiating off such a small gesture. Never had she wanted so desperately to return that love in full force. 

When they pulled away, they were grinning at each other like idiots. The Doctor couldn’t keep from looking at Rose in complete awe. She was the answer to all his prayers. He would do anything for her.

They sat for a while, hugging and kissing and smiling before they finally crawled back under the covers. Rose snuggled up right against the Doctor’s chest, wrapping her arms around him and placing a kiss to whatever part of his body was nearest. He drew her as close to him as he could.

“Good night, Doctor. I love you,” she murmured. He could hear the smile in her voice.

‘Good night, sweet Rose.” He kissed her on the head. “I love you too.”


	2. Chapter 2

Rose awoke slowly the next morning. She felt… oddly, overwhelmingly content. Hazy as her brain was with sleep, she couldn’t put her finger on it at first. 

The tightening of an arm around her waist reminded her.

Memories of last night, her and the Doctor walking through each other’s minds, confessing their love for each other, sharing a kiss… Rose couldn’t suppress the grin that stole across her face. 

She rolled in the Doctor’s arms to face him, to find he was already awake.

“Good morning,” he said softly. He had the brightest, happiest look in his eyes Rose thought she’d ever seen. 

“Good morning,” she returned just as softly.

“Sleep okay?”

“Mm, yeah, better than I have in awhile, actually.”

“I’m glad.”

They laid there for a moment, grinning and holding each other impossibly close, sharing in a feedback loop of happiness. Then, the Doctor leaned forward to snag a quick kiss.

“I think I could get used to this,” Rose said.

“Mmm, me too,” the Doctor agreed before kissing her again. She was ready this time, and returned the passion she felt from him. 

Before he let it escalate too much though, he pulled away. 

“There is, actually, something you could do to help me, uhm you know.” He tapped the side of his head. “Feel better.”

She playfully smacked his arm. “Why didn’t you tell me last night, you plonker!” 

“It’s, well, it’s quite a big deal actually, and you don’t have to say yes. I just thought I might, you know, mention it.”

“Well, what is it?”

The Doctor squirmed -- laying down in bed didn’t lend very well to fidgeting. “Do you want to get ready and meet in the library in thirty minutes to have breakfast and talk about it?”   


“Sure, Doctor. Library, thirty minutes.” She smiled. “Can I get a kiss before you go?”

“Always.”

He swooped in, kissing her deeply, and just as soon as he had started, it was over. The Doctor hopped up out of bed. 

“See you in the library, then.”

“See ya.” Her tongue poked out from behind her cheek, a sight the Doctor drank in, before leaving the room.

Getting ready, Rose racked her brain trying to think of what it was that the Doctor would ask. She couldn’t think of anything so meaningful that he’d have them wait and have a big talk about it in the library. She’d already promised him her forever, after all. 

All she knew was whatever it was, it wouldn’t just be a big deal to her, it was already a big deal to him. She hadn’t missed the way he’d gotten so nervous about it all of a sudden, when moments before he had been more relaxed than she’d maybe ever seen him. She just wished she knew what it was. 

* * *

The Doctor made it to the library long before Rose did. He’d wasted hardly any time getting ready, merely donning his suit and fixing his hair again. The TARDIS had been kind enough to provide breakfast and tea for them, which he greatly appreciated. He wasn’t sure he was in any state to be fixing food with how anxious he was. 

Thinking about what he was going to ask Rose…. He swallowed thickly. Now was as good a time as ever to suggest it, and he tried to tell himself that he would be totally fine if she rejected him. 

Although, he didn’t think he had ever wanted something so bad. He just wished that Rose wanted the same thing with him.

Luckily, before he could get himself any more worked up, Rose walked into the library and joined him on the sofa. 

She must have been able to tell he was on edge, because she said, “Whatever it is, I’m here for you, so don’t fret abou’ it, okay?”

He smiled as he turned to look at her. He loved her so much. “Thank you, Rose.” He kissed her forehead. 

She picked up a tea-filled mug with one hand and grasped his right hand with the other.

“So, what is it you wanted to talk about, Doctor?”

He took a deep breath. Here goes nothing.

“Well, my people, you might remember, were telepathic. Deep emotional connections were rare among Time Lords, but they did exist. When a connection existed like that between two people who,” he swallowed, “loved, each other, there was a practice of solidifying that connection between the two, of meeting the minds.”

Rose nodded slowly, her features rapt in attention.

“It’s called a bond. It’s a complete and unbreakable telepathic connection formed between two bondmates. Forming that connection is like melding your minds together, and it can never be undone. With it, you’re always connected to your partner. You’re aware of their thoughts and feelings at all times, though of course you can set up boundaries to keep some thoughts private. It’s like sharing your soul with someone. It halfs the weight of anything you carry with you, and doubles the joy of anything you feel. It’s the most intimate experience a telepathic being like myself can have.” 

Rose couldn’t help her mouth from falling open slightly. 

“An’... you want that with me?”

The Doctor felt his heart pounding in his chest. He nodded slowly. “It’s a lot to take in. You don’t have to say yes, or even make up your mind today. But once you do it, it can’t be undone. Breaking a bond is like ripping out a piece of your own mind which… is not pleasant.”

Rose studied him. He could see the gears turning behind her eyes as fast as they were able.

They sat in silence for a moment as she worked through what he had said.

“Penny for your thoughts? I want you to be honest with me, Rose.”

“So, when I…” she started carefully, “wither and die, your mind would be irreparably damaged?”

The Doctor was caught off-guard. “Why do you think you’d die before me?”

It was Rose’s turn to be caught off-guard.

“Human lifespan, remember? You’d get seventy years tops with me, and then spend the rest of your hundreds of years of life in pain. I don’t know that I could do that to you.”

“Oh!” His hearts were beating much faster now. “Another part of bonding is the bonding of your timelines -- because the pain of losing a bondmate is so great, their timelines are bound together so that neither has to live without the other.”

The weight of his words hung in the air. 

“So I’d have more than seventy years to stay with you?”

The Doctor nodded cautiously. “It’s a lot to take in, and I don’t want to pressure you into anything. Living for as long as I do isn’t exactly --”

“You coulda lead with that!” she cried.

His head whipped around to look at her. 

“Sorry?”

“You’re going on talking about how it’s irreversible and you’ll be in immense pain if it’s ever broken, but you fail to mention that it can’t be broken unless you choose to break it!” She paused, then said softly, “I could share  _ your _ forever, Doctor.”

He scratched the back of his neck and turned away. He hoped his desperate want wasn’t as apparent as he feared it was. 

“You could.”

Rose set her cup of tea down on the table, and took both his hands in hers, willing him to look at her. “I want that, too.”

The Doctor almost choked.

“You do?”

She scooted closer. “Of course I do. If being bonded is as good as you say it is, why wouldn’t I want that with you? Half the pain, twice the joy… ‘s as good as it gets.”

He just stared at her, wide-eyed and a little disbelieving. How could he be so lucky? Every dream he’d ever had was coming true in this very moment.

“I promised you I would never leave, and I want nothing more than to really, truly, never leave you.” She took his face in her hand. “I love you, Doctor. More than anything.”

He couldn’t help the sudden emotion that welled up in his throat. Try as he did to bite it back, a few tears leaked out of his eyes. 

He leaned into her touch. “I love you too, Rose, so much.”

“Oh, Doctor. I know.”

They sat for a moment, looking at each other with a love stronger than anything either of them had ever known. 

“So how do we bond? Can we do it now?”

The Doctor chuckled. “We can do it now if you’d like. But you have to be certain that this is what you want. Are you sure?”

“I already told you, I’m never leaving you. I want this, want to be as close to you and share as much with you as I can.”

He took a moment just to gaze at her, drinking in her features. The woman before him  _ loved _ him, wanted to  _ bond with him _ , like every wish he’d ever had being granted. He never wanted to forget the way she looked at him, the way the corners of her mouth curled up in a smile, how pink her cheeks were, how her hair delicately framed her face. 

He pulled her close, kissing her softly, holding her like he’d never get to hold her again.

“Then we can bond right now,” he whispered against her lips. 

The Doctor lifted his hands to her temples, and felt as Rose did the same. The immediate connection sparked with anticipation.

“Just do as I do.”

He entered her mind, and took in for a moment how comforting it was to be here. Like he belonged here. 

And, he supposed, if they were bonding, he really did.

He felt himself get giddy with excitement all over again. 

Rose’s presence snuck up behind him, then washed over him.  _ Of course you belong here. I love you, remember? _

The Doctor’s mind pulsed with joy.  _ I love you too, Rose. _ He held her close for a moment, before pulling away.  _ To bond, we’ll both have to travel to the center of each other’s minds. To make it a bit easier, I’m going to project us each onto our own bodies.  _ He focused for a moment, then appeared before her in his pinstripes and Chucks. She looked down to see her own body accompanying her mental presence, too. 

_ It’s like a journey -- no, a pilgrimage -- through the other’s life. All their memories, all their deepest secrets, every part of who they are. If you go through it all, and don’t feel a shred of doubt, you’ll be able to complete the bond. _ Rose could feel a little bit of unease that crept up on him as he spoke.

**_When_ ** _ I get through it _ , Doctor. She focused on the love she felt for him, and tried to surround him with it.  _ See you on the other side? _

_ See you on the other side, my love. _

Rose’s heart sang at the endearment. Turning to the Doctor’s mind, she set off. 

This time, at the forefront of his mind was all the worries he’d had from this morning. Rose watched carefully as he’d fretted over asking her, worried she wouldn’t say yes or be scared away.  _ I could never be scared away, not by you, and certainly not by this _ , she thought. 

Passing that, there was still the fear of losing her at Canary Wharf. Forgoing those painful memories as quickly as she could, she once again found herself surrounded by memories of the Time War. 

She watched, as the scenes of war faded, and left him first in immeasurable pain, and then melted into a cocktail of self-hate and guilt as a sort of coping mechanism. She saw her first Doctor, her leather Doctor, emerge from the Time War, hurting and hopeless.

Then, she watched as he piloted himself towards Henrik’s.

He didn’t mean to make it out of there alive, she suddenly realized, and tears spilled unbidden down her cheeks. 

_ I want to keep you safe. _

She drew the memory close to her heart, and wrapped it in as much love as she could. As it played on, she saw how the Doctor running into her in the basement and grabbing her hand was the first thing that had given him hope in far too long.

She’d never been more thankful for anything. 

Rose watched as they kept meeting again that day, and with every interaction, he got a little more hopeful. She saw all the fear he’d felt then, of getting too attached just to lose it all, all over again. 

_ I love you _ , she whispered at the memory. She wished she could have told him how good it would be, if he just hung on. That it would all be worth it. That he would never lose her, and she would never leave. She wished she could take all his broken pieces and glue them back together right then and there. 

She drew in a breath and moved slowly onwards. Everywhere she went, she bathed what she saw in love. She watched as he lived hundreds of years, loving people and making friends and losing them all over again. She saw the pain he felt every time, and watched as every time he masked it with a new adventure.

_ I’m never leaving you _ , she promised. 

She watched as he stole a TARDIS and ran away, hoping for a life and a home among the stars. Running away from the lack of it on Gallifrey. Running towards hope.

_ I will be your home _ , she swore. 

At last, there was one final stone left unturned. Everything else had been tied to this proverbial stone, threaded through all of his life like the stitching in the fabric of his being. 

With a deep breath, she stepped forward, to see --

Herself.

Flashing like a highlight reel, she saw from his point of view as she threw her head back laughing. The way he grabbed her hand as they ran for their lives. The glances he stole at her as she figured out how to save the day. The smell of her hair as he cuddled her close in the media room. The hug they shared after Krop Tor. The feel of her body pressed against his, the joy buzzing in his mind like a promise he was desperate to keep. All these little moments, collected and kept for when he needed them. 

His love for her echoed back through all his lives, Despite everything he had been through, every sadness or anger or loss had led him to her. To this morning, and the way he tried to commit to permanent memory every detail of her face and the way it felt to kiss her. For that, he promised himself, it had all been worth it. 

Rose couldn’t fight back the cry that escaped her throat. Her Doctor, who was so stoic and goofy and unbothered. All of the other memories she had seen had been unknown to her, but not surprising. They all fit into the puzzle expectedly, even if it made the puzzle more grim than she had originally imagined.

Her Doctor, who hid behind his running at the mouth and running for his life. Beneath it all, had powered himself through with every glance he stole and hug they shared. Shining through his memories like a lighthouse. Guiding him home. 

_ I love you _ , she murmured.

With that, she took the final step to the center of his mind. 

In the middle was a buzzing light, silvery-blue. As she stepped closer, she realized it was the Doctor in essence, emanating his spirit. She pressed her hand to it, and suddenly had a view of the Doctor at the center of her own mind.

He looked like he’d gone on the same emotional journey that she had.

They called each other’s name at the same time, reaching for the other through their established connection.

Looking at him again, knowing everything he’d been through, and all of it leading him here, to this very moment, brought everything she felt for him bubbling back to the surface.

“Doctor,” she choked out, “I love you. So much.” There was so much more she meant.  _ I’m sorry you lost your planet. I’m sorry you’ve had to say goodbye so many times. I’m so sorry you’ve been so lonely for so long. I will never leave you.  _

But when he responded in kind, she knew he understood exactly.

_ I’m sorry you grew up without a dad. I’m sorry you lost your mother to a parallel world. I’m sorry you never had stability in your life, or a love you could count on. I will always love you. _

Rose reached out even harder to him, wishing she could draw him nearer. She wanted to hold him tight and never, ever let go. She wanted him to know that she would always be there. 

She could feel the Doctor reaching out just as much, aching to be near, to never let her feel alone again. He wanted her to feel his reverence.

Suddenly, something snapped into place. Rose blinked, and found the Doctor standing in the same room as her. Before she could embrace him, she saw a light spark where the presence of his mind had been, a golden tendril chasing where she had come from, through all of the Doctor’s life, until it stretched into the horizon and out of sight.

A peace washed over Rose, so strong it knocked the wind out of her. 

She turned slowly to look at the Doctor. 

He had the same awestruck look on his face as she did.

Then, without a second thought, they leapt into each other’s arms, holding as tightly as they could. Rose wrapped her arms around his neck, grabbing his jacket and clinging to it. She felt the Doctor’s arms around her waist, pulling her flush against his body, so tight she could feel his hearts hammering against his chest. She took a deep breath, breathing in the smell of  _ him _ , her Doctor. The love of her life. 

He rocked her back and forth in his arms, repeating her name over and over and over. 

“I had no idea you…” he broke off.

“Loved you so much?”

He nodded mutely.

“I had no idea  _ you… _ did, for me.”

He buried his face deeper in her shoulder.

“Of course. Always.” 

Looking back on all she had seen, she knew how much he meant it. And Rose knew, more than anything she’d ever known in her whole life, that she felt just the same. 


End file.
